defeated

i thought that by not entertaining the issues, i would dodge another breakdown. now im defeated and treading towards the road to depression.

a few days ago, i was plagued by a couple of interesting characters of my past. one called me and the other was just there by coincidence. nevertheless,  my peaceful mind was inevitably roused.

i tried not to be affected–as usual. that was my defense mechanism going into hyper drive. that as much i could i would put out the thoughts of why they started popping up like mushrooms after the rain. just as i put my guard down for a fraction of a second, the ideas that were tucked away started to take over me.

why was i alone? why havent i done anything with my life? why havent i moved on?

the same old pathetic questions came flooding back. so did the tears and the feeling of disdain towards life. if it were a different day, i would have ignored it. but i was already verging on melancholic binge. so i succumbed.

so here i am again. waiting for someone to slap me  back to reality. maybe i need a good cry. maybe i need people around me again. too many maybes just fuels my sulking. maybe..

*

on a brighter note, there is  a glimmer of hope for me. i have gone through this before and i was able to snap out of it and make it in one piece. and i have jelo to listen to me blabber about all about my fucked up mind. if only i would let his advice pierce through my weakened spirit, everthing will be golden again. soon. i hope..

buhay na talaarawan

nitong mga nagdaang buwan, sa ‘yo ko lahat nasasabi ang mga bagay na di ko na maisulat sa dating talaarawan na nabura ng tubig-baha. mga walang kwentang bagay na parang magtatanong pa ako, “bakit ko ikukwento?” At ang mga bagay na mahalaga sa akin na di ko masabi sa iba, sa yo ko din sinasabi. kahit anong tema ng kwento, kinakampihan mo ako. sa yo ako nagsusumbong at naglalabas ng sama ng loob. at ang nakakamangha, ganun ka din sa akin. ako din ang talaarawan mo. sumasagot at kumakampi tayo sa mga kalaliman at kababawan ng isa’t isa. ikaw ang bespren ko na kahit anong toyo ko ay nauunawaan ako. pakiramdam ko, ikaw ang  buhay kong diary. at kung darating na mauubos ang mga dahon na mapapagsulatan ng buhay natin, sana di tayo mapagod magsimula ulit ng bagong yugto. salamat ami.

choosy

why not be choosy when you can? of course its another story when you’re just being difficult and finicky. but when youre talking about the rest of your life, splurge on the luxury of being able to pick the one you want the most.

the trouble with this is living up to the taunts and mockery of people around you. living with the accusation of being picky like its a bad thing. but in reality, its should give you a feeling of satisfaction that you know what you want and you have the balls to get it. or at least tried to.

but the bigger picture of life shows us that its not always giving us what we want or what we need. we grab what we think is needed as we eased through it and brand it accordingly as wants and needs. i think were being choosy is just a state of mind. sort of making us feel like were in control of our density..ehe..destiny.

…

i am one big walking contradiction.

flashbacks and a break up

i noticed that i have the tendency to mimic people’s attitude towards me. if they are cold towards me, i go cold on them. or the other spectrum. maybe i just emphatize more than i should. this posts the dilemma when i like someone. am i amorous because they’re that way to me too? i now recall how i am with past relationships. pretty interesting flashbacks.

…

sad news. a couple i know has broken up. i was so clueless. they seem to be the perfect couple. oh well thats life. hearts are broken everyday. but one must move on to put the pieces back again and to have that chance to start anew. when i talked with the guy and learned the news, the term he used was “we decided to be friends.” no matter how you polite you put it, its still a break up.

displaced.

i am temporarily living with my aunt. she’s ok with it. but of course i was feeling uncomfortable. the fact that its not my home and it was all too sudden were the main reasons. when im there, every move i make was calculated. im scared that i might be doing something offensive or not allowed. and also i havent done this in a while so i was learning to live in somebody’s home again. there were no issues with anything but the inner struggle was keeping me from living a normal life; the kind that i was used to since i moved out of our home. i hope i can get my own place again soon coz one of these days im gonna snap and break with stress.

…

good thing i thought of other stuff. took my mind off monday.

a very long monday.

and a long face for me. the whole day i kept looking at the time–wishing that time could do the job of taking away the pain. writing the time down and whats going on with my scattered mind didnt help either. of course, it wouldnt help, obviously. i hate days like this. and i hate waiting for my rocket to come too. come on, am i really that callous that i was ignored the whole fucking day? i had a bad sunday and now a worse monday.

pader para sa alasais

Metropolitan Theater sa Lawton. panalo. sana mahanap ko din yung ..ang maholi, bogbog.

back again, eh?

two little words may have brought me back to that dark place again. “sorry ha?” that’s it. it was so short yet it meant so much. i guess i’d feel better if it were an apology. i wish! its more of a consolation. its more of drawing the line; of the extent of what’s tolerable and its capacity. i’ve been on edge since i heard that. i appear to be pre occupied with thought but my mind was blank. i was wandering but meandering to nowhere and nothingness. those 2 words was said nonchalantly but obviously has a devasting effect on me. i hated that i was pretending that it was nothing; that i was ok. i’m not. the denial of it all and the feigning of my actual emotion has once again starting to drag me down to the draining experience of depression.

tao lang ako

how can i resist? and he’s more than just those luscious lips.

eskapo

paranoia’s giving me a bright idea. i think its now’s my chance to sneak out of it. cowardly? yes. but this might be the only time that i can get out of it. they say the hard part is to let go. i say its lying to yourself that you can do it and that you can move on. it feels like hell just thinking about it. if its still the same way tomorrow, maybe i will do it. maybe.